Space Hogs

Reader, you know I love you (see here for a list of relevant hater exemptions), so I will be transparent with you. I’ve been taking a beat for a creative refresh. I don’t have a bottomless resource of talent or the ability to churn out content on a strict schedule. I’m not Joe Rogan! I’m feeling irregular. But my energy tank is getting close to being topped off, and what better way to get back into the swing of things than bringing you the latest on one of my favorite subjects - the intergalactic goings on that have made it to the internet recently.

For instance, did you know that the most important scientific discovery of this century was made two weeks ago? Kind of? There is a “planet” 124 million light years away that MAY have the biological signatures of life, but there’s also a chance it's simply a “massive hunk of rock with a magma ocean and a thick, scorching hydrogen atmosphere”. Scientists are divided on whether they’ve discovered the first signs of alien life or just a rocky hell planet, but they have all agreed to call the mystery orb K2-18b, and I’m not looking up why.

Indeed, scientists are so divided that it's basically all of the astronomical community versus this one guy, Nikku Madhusudhan, a professor of Astrophysics and Exoplanetary Science at Cambridge. He’s the one who made this “discovery” and is pushing his narrative to anyone he can get to write about it. Considering a. how complicated the science behind this is (gas reflections???) and b. how people on average read about 20% of an article online, it's been easy for him to get the public to believe he’s a few steps away from eye-fucking E.T.

I get it. Bro needs funding for his research, and who wouldn’t want to be the first person to identify life on another planet? He’ll probably get a telescope named after him and be the bartender on Watch What Happens Live one night. Every other scientist in the two articles I read about this is skeptical of the find, and they fall into the camp of “extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence”.

I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t mention that Professor Nikku’s Wikipedia page notes that he is simultaneously known for his research on “hot Jupiters”, which are gas giant exoplanets and not something sexy like I was hoping for.

If Professor Nikku IS correct, we don’t have anything to fear because, as Russian popstar Katya Lel tells it, “I was abducted by aliens but don't worry – just tell them you don't consent”. Why did this woman spend Cinco de Mayo giving an interview about the time she was abducted by aliens who stole her teeth to a website that appears to exist solely for clickbait? I don’t know! But I’m happy she did because when the aliens come for us, I know all I have to do is set healthy boundaries and tell them, “I do not allow you to take and do not give you any of my organs.” Great pull quotes here, just top notch.

I love the detail in the article that Katya previously spoke about her extraterrestrial experience back in 2023, when Mexico’s Congress held the alien hearings that completely derailed any further US government discussion of UAPs. At the time, she said she remembered her abduction experience after recognizing the supposed alien bodies that were on display at the hearing, and for the record, this is who she’s talking about recognizing:

A Russian pop star’s experience with aliens who respect bodily autonomy - good. A company town incorporated at the behest of an evil billionaire who exists in a permanent k-hole - bad. Sentient skin tag, Elon Musk, recently got his wish, and the town of Starbase, Texas, is now a thing. For years, a settlement has been growing around the SpaceX facility that sits near the US-Mexico border, which houses many SpaceX employees and their families, and after a vote last weekend of 212 - 6, it is now legally a town with a 36-year-old male SpaceX VP as its mayor. Like, not even an SVP? They elected a VP? Is this person bonus-eligible?

I guess people can vote and create a town. I didn’t know this, but I looked it up and its true, in three easy steps you too can have your own dumb fucking city for dorks. I’m taking a wait-and-see approach with this story because there is surely more to come. There are plans to build a school, a power plant, and Jah knows what else, with the local political support of dozens of public officials who have wet their beaks in collective receipt of about $500k from SpaceX since 2014.

So - SpaceX bad, right? A billionaire privately owning a satellite internet constellation and rockets does not bode well for humanity, especially if that billionaire is a flop James Bond villain. Might I mention another evil man with too much money and a space kink? Yes, Bezos sent a bunch of uninteresting rich women to space a few weeks ago, and they were fine. Not attractive, “fine”. Fine in the sense that none of them exploded.

But the point I’m reaching for is not about Blue Origin or Gayle King or explosions; I’m seguing. Frankly, my position on those things is:

But I DO care about Katy Perry making a fool of herself in and out of the cosmos. After her shockingly stupid and tone deaf tour setlist announcement on a rocket ship, she took to the stage for some celestial-themed theatrics complete with a cast of gyrating aliens, and though you may have already seen it, I’m going to leave this here for you to enjoy without comment.